In response to my earlier blog post, I’ve come to realize something. No matter how average I am, I still want to be able to leave an impact. It doesn’t have to be grand; I don’t have to a news story on me that talks about my accomplishments. I just want to be able to live a life that I’m happy with where the good outweighs the bad, where I am able to leave something tangible or intangible for the people I leave behind when it is time for me to leave this world. All that matters is that I try my best. If my best came out to give me average results in comparison to everyone else, that’s ok.
Even though I study hard in my standards, it is still not enough. I fear that I’m not cut out for what I want or am suppose to be. I’m reminded of a passage in the Bible (Matthew 6:25-34) that talks about not worrying because God provides. But I am still worried that I will not make it in life. I think the phrase “not good enough” has dominated my entire life. I am prone to comparing myself with other people, and I know that’s not fair to myself. Someone told me that it’s not right to compare one’s bad parts to another person’s good parts. But I feel that my good parts do not even compare to someone’s bad parts. My “good” is not good enough, and I feel that it will never be.
7 science courses in high school: get a full 8 hours sleep, barely need to study, score A’s, easy
3 science courses in college: DYING
Falling Plates: A Short Film about Life, Death, and Love of a Savior
“You look for things to fill the void, but it kills you faster and separates you more.”
My first taste of college has been an eventful ordeal. My sleep schedule is whack; my eating habits aren’t the healthiest; my grades could be higher. I’ve met a lot of people, shoved way too many people into my car, and have become more social. There are mistakes that happened along the way and boundaries have been pushed such as how late can I stay up and still wake up in time for class. But what’s important is that one learns from these different experiences, learn from them, and move forward.
Everything has its time and season, and sometimes it’s just best to look back at the memories made, be a little nostalgic, but continue trucking along because the past has its place. All things happen for a reason, the good and the bad, and it’s what we do with these events that set us down the path we go. The past cannot be changed. Only the future can be manipulated.
This first semester has been a learning experience in a variety of ways, and there is still much to learn.
Believe it or not, even though UTD is known as the academic school, there’s still quite a few parties that go on behind the scenes. Someone asked me what I was most surprised about college, and honestly, I am very surprised how many people drink. I used to not understand why people drink, but now I get where people are coming from.
The two reasons that I have observed are peer pressure and escape from reality. Everyone else is drinking, so I must drink also to fit in. As many people know, alcohol allows for a break in reality. To temporarily forget the mishaps and mistakes from earlier in the day or week is something that many people like to have. People just want to have fun and not worry about real life, which is what alcohol does.
It seems like everyone has some sort of opportunity lined up or know what’s going on. Am I the only incompetent one? Everyone seems to quickly understand the concepts. I have trouble and need additional practice to get things right. Even then, I’m not up to speed.
Realistically, I know that I’m not the only one that feels this way, but it can be isolating. It feels like being left behind on an island. Everyone else has boarded the ship and sailed away, but they forget that they left you behind. You watch from the edge, maybe even swim a little bit towards the ship, but each stroke forward seems to only cause you to move further away. I’m stuck on the island of mediocrity.
Is everyone destined for greatness? I don’t think everyone can be extraordinary because then extraordinary becomes ordinary. This is the category I fall under: not destined for greatness. As it is said, there will be winners, and there will be losers.